putting it out there.

In the last ten years, I have rarely been single. Blessed in my ability to meet men who are caring, compassionate, wonderful people - the relationships have lasted nothing less than a few years. So as you can imagine, the last year has been a crazy lesson in love.

The games men play, the art of dating, playing hard to get, being honest - yet allusive to still be interesting... the crave for affection and intimacy clouding judgement. Wow, I realised how out of practice and how shit at it I really am. Trying not to analyse everything, yet it taking up far too much space in my creative head, I decided that I was going to have to leave it up to fate - try not to worry about it, or find it. Let it come to me if that was what was destined for me.

So my trip to Australia was full of relaxing, seeing family and friends and soaking up the warm (yet wet) weather! To my complete surprise, one afternoon whilst watching the surf, I realised what my problem is. Despite all these amazing men, each one has had some point - chosen to leave me.... to explore other women, opportunities, testing our relationship, countries or work - they have all consciously decided to not be with me. So I ask myself, is it any wonder that I think I am not worth the chase? That even if I 'find' someone, they will ultimately decide the same?!

This thought is illogical and ridiculous - looking at it now on paper just makes me laugh. It's an observation, not a destiny or a reality... but interesting none the less. So what does one do with it? Live your life assuming that the next love will leave you? Or is that the fun? Finding someone and realising that they wouldn't leave your side if you made them, they would be there beside you through it all, they don't want to leave you... in fear of missing out on just being with you. I guess that is the exciting part right... putting it all into something unknown.

My epiphany about why I feel so insecure is interesting, and has provided something for me to write about. But with that, I lay it to rest.

I continue to tell myself everyday,

you are beautiful, creative and interesting... destined for great things.

Putting it out there universe - listen up!