Unique Flourishing

She floats into her flat;

structured and organised chaos greets me in the bedroom.

With a wardrobe bigger than my London room, her clothes line the walls and the floors.

A collage of pictures and remembrances from home, she appears to have it all under control.

The endless beeping of her phone assures me her social sphere is extensive;

never a dull moment in her day.

The empty pantry and fridge concerns my slightly,

yet her aggravation of flatmate food sharing eases my worries.

We lie there and chat about everything and nothing,

bouncing of each other like in the old days.

Things have changed, yet they haven't all the same -

a comforting memory for me to hold onto.

We lounge at the beach, drink coffee at vineyard and have wines at roccos;

a sample of what life would be life.

"Just move here already" she says -

half sarcastic, half serious.

I could and would be so content.

Living in the same city as my sister, now as adults, would be so easy.

But in the same breath she reassures me that I need to go back,

I've got the ticket and it's exciting.

There is plenty of time for Melbourne living and sisterly naughtiness.

Right now it's her time in this city... flourishing in her own unique way.

need

I need to be able to return without you and not long for your touch.

I need the strength to be fine on my own and not need your company.

I need to not miss you and have a clear head for the day.

I need to feel no guilt when looking at someone, or chatting innocently to a man.

I need to go back to London with all my exciting adventures in mind.

I need to not analyse and think about you all the time.

I need to let it unfold and have faith in what will be.

Despite all these things that I need, I can't rely on any of them.

Right now, what I need is you.

To be here.

To not worry.

To enjoy it.

I just need you.

Object of Delusion

The right to lay at the beach in your bikini, absorbing the salt, sand and sunscreen.

The pleasure of nodding off whilst lightly tanning my back, head shoved in my dress as a pillow.

Reading my book in silence, without interruption or distraction from the passage that lay in front of me.

Endless hours unaccounted for - answering or catching up with nobody.

People watching around and noticing a creepy man gawking at me.

Discreetly watching him and making sure he's in my sight - not being dodgy and disgusting.

Watching him walk away and mouth 'I want to fuck you'

an instant skin crawling reaction and desire to vomit.

In a moment feeling violated and filthy, a need to hide underneath my towel.

Apparently the right to do all of the above things and be respected as a female

and a member of the public is impossible to ask.

Bikini = eye candy.

Voluptuous = sick fantasy for creepy old man.

What a toss.

What a pathetic excuse for a person.

I stay and push it from my mind,

refusing to be an object of his delusion.

Emotional disarray

Adjusting to change,

trying to fit in.

Catching up with real friends,

moving on from those that aren't.

Enjoying home and the comfort it brings,

drinks on the balcony,

laughs with dad.

The sanctuary of my old room.

Knee deep in the creek,

the ocean breeze heavenly on my face.

The sound of the valley birds,

and the smell of summer rain.

Fifteen days left of this security,

and I leave again.

Finding the strength for goodbyes,

reminding myself why I am going back.

A phone call to London,

a text from a dear friend...

I do have a place there...

a reason to return.

Belonging nowhere;

yet in both places feeling at home.

Torn between two contrasting countries,

trying to see which one fits best.

So confused and sad,

excited and energised to return.

Emotions in disarray.

Numb

I sit across the table from her and nervously hold my mug.

Our relationship so forced and strained, neither of us appear to have any words that would ease the tension.

She tells me about her illness, and I listen with trepidation, yet some strange sense of pride - she's a fighter.

Always has been... her most admirable quality.

It's very calculated, a recap of the past year - her turn, then mine.

A quick summary for me, being weary of sharing too much that could later be used against me.

I watch the clock and have regular check-ins with myself; 20 minutes left... you're ok... you can do this.

When time has ran out, there are also no more words to say.

A polite gesture of another catch up, an awkward family Christmas refusal and I am saying goodbye.

I give her a hug and walk away...feeling numb.

The drive to see a friend seems to whirl past with time not really moving,

her comforting arms and reassurances exactly what I need.

I feel nothing.

A title... an obligation...

I feel nothing. Confusion. Slight anger.

Numb.

Done.

For now.

summer rain

a window without rain and the runners are on,

5 minutes to the beach feels simply too long.

the pavement laid out in front of me,

the steam rising from it

i feel like this is the summer i have been missing.

the ocean restless with fresh rain,

the colour not so appealing for swimmers.

the usual run made delightful by the appearance of the sun,

i slow to a walk to enjoy the moments completely.

smiling and greeting the passers by,

something so Australian that I have dearly missed.

we laugh about making the most of the day,

what a novelty the sunshine is.

quicker than i realise i'm on my way back,

and i look out to the ocean.

the looming dark cloud seems far away,

but i know better and pick up the pace.

it comes in quick and fast,

not London drizzle but an absolute downpour.

i consider going faster and laugh to myself,

it's pleasant and summery,

not freezing and hard to run against.

i arrive at the car, content and exhausted,

the sweat now indistinguishable from the rain.

the cloud now right above me,

i know that this is how it will be for the rest of the afternoon.

although annoyed and missing the sun,

there is something so soothing about the rain.

the noise it makes on the trees,

the smell on the cut grass.

Australia rain ...I love it.

putting it out there.

In the last ten years, I have rarely been single. Blessed in my ability to meet men who are caring, compassionate, wonderful people - the relationships have lasted nothing less than a few years. So as you can imagine, the last year has been a crazy lesson in love.

The games men play, the art of dating, playing hard to get, being honest - yet allusive to still be interesting... the crave for affection and intimacy clouding judgement. Wow, I realised how out of practice and how shit at it I really am. Trying not to analyse everything, yet it taking up far too much space in my creative head, I decided that I was going to have to leave it up to fate - try not to worry about it, or find it. Let it come to me if that was what was destined for me.

So my trip to Australia was full of relaxing, seeing family and friends and soaking up the warm (yet wet) weather! To my complete surprise, one afternoon whilst watching the surf, I realised what my problem is. Despite all these amazing men, each one has had some point - chosen to leave me.... to explore other women, opportunities, testing our relationship, countries or work - they have all consciously decided to not be with me. So I ask myself, is it any wonder that I think I am not worth the chase? That even if I 'find' someone, they will ultimately decide the same?!

This thought is illogical and ridiculous - looking at it now on paper just makes me laugh. It's an observation, not a destiny or a reality... but interesting none the less. So what does one do with it? Live your life assuming that the next love will leave you? Or is that the fun? Finding someone and realising that they wouldn't leave your side if you made them, they would be there beside you through it all, they don't want to leave you... in fear of missing out on just being with you. I guess that is the exciting part right... putting it all into something unknown.

My epiphany about why I feel so insecure is interesting, and has provided something for me to write about. But with that, I lay it to rest.

I continue to tell myself everyday,

you are beautiful, creative and interesting... destined for great things.

Putting it out there universe - listen up!

planes dividing

an awkward reunion,

a few beers at the club.

conversation flows freely,

and the shields are down.

hours of talking,

catching up on stolen time.

a look that says it all,

a kiss that was long forgotten.

succumbing to the moment,

not thinking about the rest.

your touch awakening me,

your honesty and words refreshing.

a morning dash not even an option,

'benny', bed and cuddles on the priority list.

another evening of looks and security,

your arms wrapped around me such bliss.

planes that divide us,

weeks now counting down.

this addictive feeling almost a dream,

needing you here to remind me that for now,

the unfathomable thoughts beyond Christmas are not worthy.

but right now, it's worth every moment.