That man up there

Another restless night. More tossing and turning.
I know what time of year it is and why, yet I try and find other reasons.
Stress from work.
Brain fuzz from uni.
Endometriosis that prevents me lying on my tummy.
Toilet breaks.
But all this is fruitless.
It's another year ... The pumpkins, the gardenias... The full moon tell me so.
And yet for some reason I thought it wouldn't effect me so much this time.
After all, it's 11 years. No big deal.

Yet it is.
You'd be 28 this year... I wonder where you'd be.
More weddings and babies popping up.
Our 10 year reunion and the burns boy is still drunk.
Contemplating big purchases, extended study... It's all more additions to our timeline.
Yet yours remains still ... You're etched in my brain in a newspaper dress and your beaming grin.
I wonder when the details will begin to blur.
No time soon I'm guessing.

So I'll think of you and shed some tears.
Have a drink for the friend I have lost.
And stare at that moon knowing you we're looking at it too, your final glorious moments here.
I can only hope that it bought you the same peace and comfort it brings me tonight.
Missing you and knowing you're around me sometimes...
Just watching over us in the way that you would want.

the run

21 km
3 hours for cut off time

my stomach is doing backflips.
why am I doing this again?
because you can, when there are so many other who can't.
because you want to prove to yourself that physically, you can do this.
because it is a challenge, something that really is difficult.

I know tomorrow I will get a buzz and feel fulfilled.
but right now I feel scared shitless.
scared... about a run.
scared about doing it on my own.
scared that I won't be able to finish.

why is it that something foreign implements such fear in us?
at this point, when i have shoved pasta down my throat even though I feel vomitty,
I feel like sometimes, it would be better not to do these things.
to not challenge yourself in this way that is SO scary.
to live your life 'safe' - far less emotional and turbulent.

yet in the same breath I know that this time tomorrow, I will be glad that I have felt this fear.
that the fear makes you feel alive, know you are human.
it makes you realise that you can do anything, on your own, if you want to.
i just need to remember this for the next 8 hours and get me through.

21 km
2 hours 30 minutes estimated finishing time

once in a while

When you're away, I wonder if you think about me half as much as I do you?

I feel, pathetic as it sounds, a little incomplete when you're not around.

Like something is missing.

We don't have to be doing anything - reading a book in bed, lying on the couch or cooking dinner...

but you're still here.

Then when you leave, I still want to know what's going on with you, and visibly show this.

A call, a text - some contact with you.

But you, you're different.

Away in physical space almost means away all together.

Calls are infrequent and texts much the same.

I know it doesn't mean you don't care or miss me a little.

Just maybe your thoughts are not on us... or me.

In some weird way, it shows how secure you are with us.

Why do you need to tell me you're thinking of me, I should already know that you are.

Still, it would be nice if you could just humour me once in a while, and show me.

It would make me certain, that despite your absence, you do think of me and want that connection.

Not all the time, just once in a while.

the gaping hole of you.

We were once inseparable, the answer to each other's questions.

The laughter to the silence,

the happiness through the tears.

The wine at the end of a hard, long day.

Time, space and countries now between us,

I sit here and sip my red on my own.

Adel is playing in the background

and I am taken back to memories of Spain, your kitchen and the pub.

Moments of us screaming lyrics that meant so much;

a reflection of our insanity.

Over the past six months I have tried not to think about what a gap you have left in my life,

simply because it is just too hard.

But sitting here at my new place -

the gaping whole of your friendship is hard to ignore.

I laugh half as much without you -

and am far healthier!

I miss you wench, your carb withdrawals and your coffee obsessions.

Your cross eyes and your hairy mongolian jungle!

Your attempt at running only to abandon me for some food.

I miss you so bloody much.

little people

I have been thinking lately about the choice of having children.

Sure, deep down I would love nothing more.

It would be wonderful to bring that little person into the world;

the best combination of my partner and I.

No doubt it would be magical to watch them grow and learn about the world;

the new eyes of desire, passion and laughter.

But underneath all this, I am terrified that I would hurt them the way I have been by my parents.

To make them feel unwanted in anyway would simply break my heart.

To reduce them to tears, despite their age of being an adult, would almost be unforgivable.

To instil disappointment and questioning in their development as a person,

so they feel like they are unsuitable or a failure in some way.

Not an option.

These fears are possibly natural for each parent.

But somehow, I feel like mine are accentuated because of my history and upbringing.

If you came from a good family, one that is stable and secure... would the fears be the same?

Or would they be worse as they have had amazing role models that they want to live up to?

Maybe these fears will diminish over time, or I will find success and confidence from my parents small failures.

Or maybe I won't have the option, prevented by a physical error.

But I guess it is a choice that every women must face.

Either way, I do not want to have a child and subject them to similar fears that I have had in my life.

I would do anything to spare them from the pain and torment of wondering if they were ever really good enough.

'You lot'

Divided and merged families are always a source of entertainment and angst.

But beneath the flow charts and laughter, hurt lies seething and brewing.

'You lot always think you know everything' was the latest statement.

Hurtful.

Honest?

Said and scarring none-the-less.

After the hours of tears on the bathroom floor, my questions is - what lot would you prefer?

If 'you lot' were really so unbearable and full of attitude (and let's look at the record)

are you embarrassed and would you rather 'the other lot'?

Tomorrow you will act like you didn't say it at all - that everything is fine.

But I will, unfortunately, ponder this for days.

Said in the heat of the moment?

Anger said in words?

Or truth finally spoken... your real opinion on 'your lot'.

facebook perfect lives

We are so consumed, as a society, to appear to 'have it all'.

We are driven, fashion conscience, wealthy, healthy, happy and to top it all off...excited about sharing it with the rest of the world.

Normally, this would be a good thing, as it wouldn't be blatantly done to the extreme.

It would be a private matter shared with family and friends, on the phone, via email or at gatherings with loved ones.

Instead, with the change in social media, we see it every minute updated on facebook.

Live news feeds, status updates, 'liking' and commenting, instant messenger and other 'faceyfeatures' make it nearly impossible to go seconds without hearing about someone's 'happiness'.

But is it genuine?

Or are we busy creating facebook perfect lives so that everyone else is aware just how good you've got it?

I often wonder how much of it is truth, or if they are posting it to make themselves believe it, bored or even trying to prove to others that their life is really, so much better then everyone else's.

Do you ever see people saying how it really is? For example:

Today I'm feeling sad and don't feel like getting out of bed... no idea why. Thanks emotions.

My ovaries and uterus appear to be strangling each other, so now I look bloated and pregnant even though I'm not. Great.

Or even, my boyfriend has got PMS worse then I do, what's with that?

None of these humours, yet honest and refreshing comments are ever seen.

Why is that? Because it might, God forbid, show people that life is not always grand?

Yet I think it would create the opposite effect - it would reassure people that's it is NORMAL to not have perfection 24/7. NORMAL to feel a little lost or low. NORMAL to worry about money and where it's going to come from next month with no work. NORMAL to realise that we sometimes, don't have it all.

So stop with the bullshit and the 'creating' of great lives on facebook.

Live your lives with all that comes with it - and don't feel the need to conform to the 'update' of things that you think other people would find interesting.