little people

I have been thinking lately about the choice of having children.

Sure, deep down I would love nothing more.

It would be wonderful to bring that little person into the world;

the best combination of my partner and I.

No doubt it would be magical to watch them grow and learn about the world;

the new eyes of desire, passion and laughter.

But underneath all this, I am terrified that I would hurt them the way I have been by my parents.

To make them feel unwanted in anyway would simply break my heart.

To reduce them to tears, despite their age of being an adult, would almost be unforgivable.

To instil disappointment and questioning in their development as a person,

so they feel like they are unsuitable or a failure in some way.

Not an option.

These fears are possibly natural for each parent.

But somehow, I feel like mine are accentuated because of my history and upbringing.

If you came from a good family, one that is stable and secure... would the fears be the same?

Or would they be worse as they have had amazing role models that they want to live up to?

Maybe these fears will diminish over time, or I will find success and confidence from my parents small failures.

Or maybe I won't have the option, prevented by a physical error.

But I guess it is a choice that every women must face.

Either way, I do not want to have a child and subject them to similar fears that I have had in my life.

I would do anything to spare them from the pain and torment of wondering if they were ever really good enough.

'You lot'

Divided and merged families are always a source of entertainment and angst.

But beneath the flow charts and laughter, hurt lies seething and brewing.

'You lot always think you know everything' was the latest statement.

Hurtful.

Honest?

Said and scarring none-the-less.

After the hours of tears on the bathroom floor, my questions is - what lot would you prefer?

If 'you lot' were really so unbearable and full of attitude (and let's look at the record)

are you embarrassed and would you rather 'the other lot'?

Tomorrow you will act like you didn't say it at all - that everything is fine.

But I will, unfortunately, ponder this for days.

Said in the heat of the moment?

Anger said in words?

Or truth finally spoken... your real opinion on 'your lot'.

facebook perfect lives

We are so consumed, as a society, to appear to 'have it all'.

We are driven, fashion conscience, wealthy, healthy, happy and to top it all off...excited about sharing it with the rest of the world.

Normally, this would be a good thing, as it wouldn't be blatantly done to the extreme.

It would be a private matter shared with family and friends, on the phone, via email or at gatherings with loved ones.

Instead, with the change in social media, we see it every minute updated on facebook.

Live news feeds, status updates, 'liking' and commenting, instant messenger and other 'faceyfeatures' make it nearly impossible to go seconds without hearing about someone's 'happiness'.

But is it genuine?

Or are we busy creating facebook perfect lives so that everyone else is aware just how good you've got it?

I often wonder how much of it is truth, or if they are posting it to make themselves believe it, bored or even trying to prove to others that their life is really, so much better then everyone else's.

Do you ever see people saying how it really is? For example:

Today I'm feeling sad and don't feel like getting out of bed... no idea why. Thanks emotions.

My ovaries and uterus appear to be strangling each other, so now I look bloated and pregnant even though I'm not. Great.

Or even, my boyfriend has got PMS worse then I do, what's with that?

None of these humours, yet honest and refreshing comments are ever seen.

Why is that? Because it might, God forbid, show people that life is not always grand?

Yet I think it would create the opposite effect - it would reassure people that's it is NORMAL to not have perfection 24/7. NORMAL to feel a little lost or low. NORMAL to worry about money and where it's going to come from next month with no work. NORMAL to realise that we sometimes, don't have it all.

So stop with the bullshit and the 'creating' of great lives on facebook.

Live your lives with all that comes with it - and don't feel the need to conform to the 'update' of things that you think other people would find interesting.

vent of feelings.

Sometimes it annoys me how much I care about you.

You could say something, or nothing at all that gets on my nerves,

and yet just looking at you and you pulling me in close makes me forget about it...

and like you even more.

Time away from you and I am more then excited to see you.

I bound in, energy and passion almost tangible towards you,

and there you are - with your calm and carefree way.

Yet despite it sometimes bringing me down to earth,

I love the grounded and ease at how you make me feel.

I think about our future sometimes and find myself getting anxious.

You're so reserved about it all - just so matter of fact that we'll be sweet,

that I dare not voice my concerns.

I just have to ride it with you and worry about it when it comes to that.

This ridiculous feeling, missing you after a day and wanting to just be with you,

can sometimes be so annoying.

But exciting all the same.

You make me smile and laugh.

You make me calm and relaxed.

You make me confused and worried.

But I love every way you make me feel.

Grief

Grief.

Is it tangible?

Does it physically break your heart?

Does it make your bones weak and your head feel drained of blood?

I don't mean the emotional sense; that is evident on people's faces.

I mean - medically, can you see it?

Does it ever mend?

A certain part of life that harms so many;

should there not be something we can take to lessen the damage?

Grief.

Is it tangible?

I look at the people around me and feel I know the answer.

Yes, people's hearts are fractured and their strength is weak,

never really the same or physically as strong again.

but

I want to help you, but I don't know how.

I can see you hurting, but ignoring it to put others first.

I can see your sadness, but also your hesitation to acknowledge it.

I can see the shield that is there, but I will always try to pull it down.

I can dote on you with cuddles and kisses, but sometimes they go astray.

I try and find your eyes, but they vacantly stare at nothing.

I try to find my way in, but you've learnt to rely on yourself.

I love you and am here for, but sometimes you don't see that.

simple words on a page

I have this postcard that I picked up in a cafe in London.

Apparently, it's going to be ok.

I laughed when I saw it and vowed to send it to people I knew.

Instead, it sits here and reminds me.

Appropriately fitting right now, I tell myself this affirmation often.

The housing will sort itself out, as will work.

You will stop feeling helpless at some point in the next few weeks.

It's going to be ok.

Despite the papered reassurance, my brain isn't convinced.

Perhaps if I stare it just a little longer... it will eventually sink in.