in the haze

the eyes cloud over and flick to the side

the snarl appears and the fists clench

the words that are not real or true

the impression that is left lingering.

the heat and hurt in the room tangible

the tears that fall and give away the true self

the confusion and disbelief

the silence as the scene sets in.

the calm after the anger subsides

the sadness of how bad things can hurt

the whisperings and reassurances to try and make it better

the unquestionable want to make things work.

it's booked

The ticket is booked, the date confirmed.

Yet when seeking excitement from others, their responses all fall short.

'That's ages away still Danny'

'Thats really far too soon wench!'

I laugh and take it for what it is, the lingering thought in my mind as to why I am looking to them for enthusiasm still tinkering.

The trip to work with the regular crazies on the train - almost pleasurable as I know that it's coming to an end.

The kids screaming down the stairwell and barging into each other without so much as an apology - humorous as I think in disbelief how I've made it this long.

All these things make the leave excitement bubble underneath my skin, literally creating jitters.

Yet the random band at the local pub, the two bottles of wine and endless laughter with 'the wench' places doubt.

The cheering and 'hollering' from my regular year 10 business class when I walk in the door - their 'secret searching' to find me another visa flattering and humbling as a teacher.

The meandering down Regent Street or lying in the park - the endless selection of bars and restaurants, the theatre that keeps me feeling alive... how to say goodbye to the life I have created.

The excitement of leaving: a tempestuous few months remaining - will eventually come...

along with the ache to stay.

waking up tomorrow

I want to go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and for this to all be over.

For the stress of work to be finished and me being on holiday... relaxing and exploring.

For the worry of finance to be reduced slightly because I have a steady income.

For the aggression of everyday people;

their negative vibes to be turned into a positive for no other reason then the sun is shining.

For you to be back so that I can feel at ease again, simply being around you giving me a sense of peace.

For the younger me to be only a plane trip away and able to go and muck about with.

So I sleep and hope it comes to me in my dreams...

just for the next little while until things begin to unravel and start to become normal again.

in the garden

Today I slept amongst the roses; Philharmonic and Halle.

White and bright orange respectively, they were my friends for the day.

I heard new born babies whimpering and words of admiration for the inner circle.

But the best sound was that of children giggling.

Playing hide and seek amongst the beds of flowers and darting in between the hedges,

they were enjoying the day almost as much as me.

People took photos and walked,

laughed and canoodled as couples...

but seemed too composed on this postcard perfect day.

Many a time I wanted to join the children,

exploring the hidden elements of Regents Park and throwing their parents caution to the wind.

After much restraint, I settled for lying amongst my new friends and taking in their scent,

catching the suns rays and enjoying the sounds of others.

network unavailable

Comfortable in my own skin and fairly content with my own company...

yet I find myself having to remember how to operate without you.

Longing for the meaningless banter... or even your comedic bodily functions,

I find myself just a little bored at times.

An exciting adventure for you away and some reflective time for me -

I'm trying not to think too much.

Words lingering in the back of my mind, your reassurance seems so far away...

my certainty about the way I feel only stronger then before.

Still weeks until I get your side - to hear how you felt without me.

Anxious I am about the verdict,

yet my hope and faith in us...

this 'unlikely' couple keeps me sane.

A message or an email with a little hint so desperately craved.

No network makes this impossible.

I spend the time trying to be occupied...

and all the while missing you just the same.

limbo of dreamtime

The evening draws to a close and they retreat to the comfort of bed.

Exhausted and spent she has no words left to say.

They lie and whisper to each other, but mainly she just looks and watches his animated face.

Entangled in arms and legs, sleep does not come to them this way.

They part begrudgingly, her only wish for there to be more breathing air between them.

The light is off and her eyes close wearily, trying to wave off the dread of tomorrow.

He pulls her in closer and kisses her hand and cheek, reminding her that he's still there.

She feels her body give in and knows she could lie here forever.

Limbo between awake and dreamtime, they find their comfortable position;

her on the side and him on his back.

Sleep and peace, a night of comfort and companionship.

A part of them always touching - fingers intertwines, toes tapping or foreheads gently resting ...

wanting to just be part of each others worlds.

an early morning train

An early morning

A peak hour train.
Weary workers

A jumper in the way.

Late for work

Calls to the boss.

Moans and complaints
A life newly lost.

A family destroyed

A lost and broken soul.

An inconvenience for Londoners
Others left to grieve and console.

Rushing in the door

A jumper on the tracks.
Annoyed and angry
A moment never gotten back.