Tomorrow I will do what my teachers did for me 12 years ago.
Support my students during a time of grief.
Try and understand why someone would take their life.
Celebrate the short life they had.
Cry for those left behind.
It's something I never wished would happen, but undoubtedly knew that it would.

Despite not teaching her, I knew her from her presence in the playground, and light banter in the tuckshop line.
She was a friend to many, a daughter and a sister.
A seemingly happy girl.
But again, the mask of 'everything being fine' wins again.
And we are left here standing... Wondering why.

Tomorrow I will cry for the loss of a beautiful young woman.
And hope that through these tragic circumstances,
students know its ok to feel lost and confused.
That there are no answers.
That no-one escapes the sadness.
And that we must support each other in life so those who do feel alone, know that someone will always be there to listen.

Set of 3

You know it's going to be one of those days when all before 9 am you have managed to break a glass, brush your teeth and end up with toothpaste on your forehead (how you are still not sure) and spill fish oil liquid on your hand in which the odour still lingers.
And yet why? 

Monday... possibly. 
PMS... more then likely. 
The weather... without a doubt. 
End of holidays... Ohhhh that's it! 

Every year it's the same, the sense of literal dread and annoyance.
Yet I sit here, tethering on the edge of boredom and looking forward to seeing everyone, and yet wonder why I feel so despondent. 
It really cannot be because I don't want to return to work. 
Everyone works, suck it up princess!

Sub-conciously, I think it could also be because I started the morning yearning to be creative. 
Sending my new headshots off to my old London agent and begging him to keep me in mind. 
Browsing auditions in the NYC Playbill, seeing what I COULD be going for if I was there. 
Considering that lead which potentially has dried up and I have nowhere to go to now. 
I guess, that is probably what I really want to be doing instead of creating a powerpoint for Year 9 drama. 

Artists all over the world feel angst and sadness of how they can only get so far. 
Those few that really make it probably forget what it is like and are rare to find. 
So what I feel is nothing new. 
I guess I just see another year passing and see ultimately, something that I so long for, get further away. And when people say, just chase it... you think. Yeah ok. No worries. 
How? I have to pay the bills. My life is here. How?

So now that it's out there, I feel slightly better. 
I laugh at how fickle it all really is. 
First world concern. 
Get on with it and get over it. 
You've had your set of 3 things today, it cannot get any worse!

shock to system

It's been several weeks now, so I've had time to process and digest.
But at the start, I was so confused, hurt and betrayed to even contemplate what had happened that I couldn't even talk about it.
I was so deceived. Kicked when I was down. Caught unaware.

I thought you were that friend that I had been searching for since being back.
That person that would just understand me and who I could confide in.
The woman who I could cry with,
laugh hysterically with and get up to some mischief in this sleepy sea city with.
Yet you were not.
You were a fraud and something I had closed my eyes to.

For so long in my life, I had to be aware of people's intentions and the subtext that lies in 'truth'.
Time away and meeting genuinely wonderful people made me lazy and complacent.
I trusted you. Put my faith in you.
For you to only throw it back without so much a blink of an eye.

And so instead of mourning the loss of a friend, I accepted it for what it was.
A mistake in humanity.
A clashing of souls.
An example of how clever the facade can really be.

So, it is your loss without our friendship.
Because my care, love and appreciation for you WAS genuine.
And it is rare to really find that.
Good luck to you and all that you do,
I know who I am and what I stand for, which is far more then what you are worth.