Fabled Festive Fun

This time of year has always presented difficulties for me, and I feel 2012 is no exception. 

From Christmas Eves' with mum, to dinners with dad and the problems with presents in between, 

it's always been something that I have approached with a little apprehension and dread. 

So this year, when momentum bought December near, the same unease arouse. 

But why, I thought, when everything seems great? 

That's when I realised, the answer was simple. 

This time of year highlights the small, yet significant gaps we have in our lives. 

For me, a peaceful family where both my sisters are present and talking to my dad. 

For a best friend, so far away, to be near to celebrate the excitement of Christmas and a new year. 

Financially, to be in a stronger position so as to not worry about the amount of money spent. 

To have exciting plans that are inclusive of everyone with limited stress or fuss. 

And although these are seriously all very minute and very 'first world' concerns, 

they are emphasised in this 'festive funness' time. 

Posters and films, adverts and facebook tell us to celebrate and be merry. 

And I am. It's just there are some grinches in the way sometimes. 

Decisions to be made that hurt feelings and circumstances that make people cranky. 

So, I breathe and try and focus on the positives. 

Friends around me who make me laugh and whom I love. 

One of my best friends here, by my side, who I simply adore and am thankful for. 

A dad near who I will be glad to see. 

A phone call to my sisters and overseas to bridge the gap. 

But most importantly, I have hope that one day, the gaps will be small or almost non-existent. 

I will have my own circumstances and family who I can smother in affection and excitement, 

who will fulfil all those little holes that are there right now at this strange transition of life. 

That man up there

Another restless night. More tossing and turning.
I know what time of year it is and why, yet I try and find other reasons.
Stress from work.
Brain fuzz from uni.
Endometriosis that prevents me lying on my tummy.
Toilet breaks.
But all this is fruitless.
It's another year ... The pumpkins, the gardenias... The full moon tell me so.
And yet for some reason I thought it wouldn't effect me so much this time.
After all, it's 11 years. No big deal.

Yet it is.
You'd be 28 this year... I wonder where you'd be.
More weddings and babies popping up.
Our 10 year reunion and the burns boy is still drunk.
Contemplating big purchases, extended study... It's all more additions to our timeline.
Yet yours remains still ... You're etched in my brain in a newspaper dress and your beaming grin.
I wonder when the details will begin to blur.
No time soon I'm guessing.

So I'll think of you and shed some tears.
Have a drink for the friend I have lost.
And stare at that moon knowing you we're looking at it too, your final glorious moments here.
I can only hope that it bought you the same peace and comfort it brings me tonight.
Missing you and knowing you're around me sometimes...
Just watching over us in the way that you would want.

the run

21 km
3 hours for cut off time

my stomach is doing backflips.
why am I doing this again?
because you can, when there are so many other who can't.
because you want to prove to yourself that physically, you can do this.
because it is a challenge, something that really is difficult.

I know tomorrow I will get a buzz and feel fulfilled.
but right now I feel scared shitless.
scared... about a run.
scared about doing it on my own.
scared that I won't be able to finish.

why is it that something foreign implements such fear in us?
at this point, when i have shoved pasta down my throat even though I feel vomitty,
I feel like sometimes, it would be better not to do these things.
to not challenge yourself in this way that is SO scary.
to live your life 'safe' - far less emotional and turbulent.

yet in the same breath I know that this time tomorrow, I will be glad that I have felt this fear.
that the fear makes you feel alive, know you are human.
it makes you realise that you can do anything, on your own, if you want to.
i just need to remember this for the next 8 hours and get me through.

21 km
2 hours 30 minutes estimated finishing time

once in a while

When you're away, I wonder if you think about me half as much as I do you?

I feel, pathetic as it sounds, a little incomplete when you're not around.

Like something is missing.

We don't have to be doing anything - reading a book in bed, lying on the couch or cooking dinner...

but you're still here.

Then when you leave, I still want to know what's going on with you, and visibly show this.

A call, a text - some contact with you.

But you, you're different.

Away in physical space almost means away all together.

Calls are infrequent and texts much the same.

I know it doesn't mean you don't care or miss me a little.

Just maybe your thoughts are not on us... or me.

In some weird way, it shows how secure you are with us.

Why do you need to tell me you're thinking of me, I should already know that you are.

Still, it would be nice if you could just humour me once in a while, and show me.

It would make me certain, that despite your absence, you do think of me and want that connection.

Not all the time, just once in a while.

the gaping hole of you.

We were once inseparable, the answer to each other's questions.

The laughter to the silence,

the happiness through the tears.

The wine at the end of a hard, long day.

Time, space and countries now between us,

I sit here and sip my red on my own.

Adel is playing in the background

and I am taken back to memories of Spain, your kitchen and the pub.

Moments of us screaming lyrics that meant so much;

a reflection of our insanity.

Over the past six months I have tried not to think about what a gap you have left in my life,

simply because it is just too hard.

But sitting here at my new place -

the gaping whole of your friendship is hard to ignore.

I laugh half as much without you -

and am far healthier!

I miss you wench, your carb withdrawals and your coffee obsessions.

Your cross eyes and your hairy mongolian jungle!

Your attempt at running only to abandon me for some food.

I miss you so bloody much.