games of subtext

The games of subtext,

the precise writing of a message.

The whole charade seems way too complex.

Out of touch I am with not being honest and open;

saying it for how it is.

The analysis of their intent,

the disappointment at their absence.

The overwhelming feeling that you are missing out,

feeling completely inadequate for their attention or concern.

Craving compassion and conversation -

you compromise your standards and expectations,

settling for a pathetic excuse or reason.

Despite the shield you wear,

the disappointment seeps through and you find yourself asking

why you're not good enough -

not worthy of their affection.

You're not that bad... are you?

The subtext should be erased,

the message left as is.

If they don't like it,

they're not worth it.

I must make these words my shield...

stop playing the game.

the issue of independence

the freedom of independence misleading,

heading me down a path of confusion.

Once a patient, compromising person,

now a leader of my own world -

irrespective of those around me.

thinking for oneself and making plans unknown,

now a standard ritual in my daily life.

This... liberation from responsibility -

although a strength,

creates a certain amount of selfishness.

The art of balancing both now in the foreground of my mind.

yearly wisdom

The street happening around me,

the people breathing the beat.

I sit on the re-known street, 5th avenue;

the class that it brings dissipated in the morning rush hour.

Another year etches its life on my face,

yet I feel strangely calm?

Another city makes you feel a sense of accomplishment -

I am somewhere doing something out of the ordinary.

Monotony is now a faded memory.

The consistency of loved one's around me is turbulent,

and I crave their company most minutes of the day.

And although my career and finances has come to a steady halt,

I am not particularly phased by that.

My yearly goal,

my mission last year was just to be.

Let life unfold and be amazed by it all.

Stop planning and worrying my life away.

So the contrast of the city,

to my calm 'new age' brings a small smile to my face.

New York excites me,

re-energises me to just keep going.

Let it happen.

Anything you want is within reach,

you just need to laugh at the process.