Tomorrow I will do what my teachers did for me 12 years ago.
Support my students during a time of grief.
Try and understand why someone would take their life.
Celebrate the short life they had.
Cry for those left behind.
It's something I never wished would happen, but undoubtedly knew that it would.

Despite not teaching her, I knew her from her presence in the playground, and light banter in the tuckshop line.
She was a friend to many, a daughter and a sister.
A seemingly happy girl.
But again, the mask of 'everything being fine' wins again.
And we are left here standing... Wondering why.

Tomorrow I will cry for the loss of a beautiful young woman.
And hope that through these tragic circumstances,
students know its ok to feel lost and confused.
That there are no answers.
That no-one escapes the sadness.
And that we must support each other in life so those who do feel alone, know that someone will always be there to listen.

Set of 3

You know it's going to be one of those days when all before 9 am you have managed to break a glass, brush your teeth and end up with toothpaste on your forehead (how you are still not sure) and spill fish oil liquid on your hand in which the odour still lingers.
And yet why? 

Monday... possibly. 
PMS... more then likely. 
The weather... without a doubt. 
End of holidays... Ohhhh that's it! 

Every year it's the same, the sense of literal dread and annoyance.
Yet I sit here, tethering on the edge of boredom and looking forward to seeing everyone, and yet wonder why I feel so despondent. 
It really cannot be because I don't want to return to work. 
Everyone works, suck it up princess!

Sub-conciously, I think it could also be because I started the morning yearning to be creative. 
Sending my new headshots off to my old London agent and begging him to keep me in mind. 
Browsing auditions in the NYC Playbill, seeing what I COULD be going for if I was there. 
Considering that lead which potentially has dried up and I have nowhere to go to now. 
I guess, that is probably what I really want to be doing instead of creating a powerpoint for Year 9 drama. 

Artists all over the world feel angst and sadness of how they can only get so far. 
Those few that really make it probably forget what it is like and are rare to find. 
So what I feel is nothing new. 
I guess I just see another year passing and see ultimately, something that I so long for, get further away. And when people say, just chase it... you think. Yeah ok. No worries. 
How? I have to pay the bills. My life is here. How?

So now that it's out there, I feel slightly better. 
I laugh at how fickle it all really is. 
First world concern. 
Get on with it and get over it. 
You've had your set of 3 things today, it cannot get any worse!

shock to system

It's been several weeks now, so I've had time to process and digest.
But at the start, I was so confused, hurt and betrayed to even contemplate what had happened that I couldn't even talk about it.
I was so deceived. Kicked when I was down. Caught unaware.

I thought you were that friend that I had been searching for since being back.
That person that would just understand me and who I could confide in.
The woman who I could cry with,
laugh hysterically with and get up to some mischief in this sleepy sea city with.
Yet you were not.
You were a fraud and something I had closed my eyes to.

For so long in my life, I had to be aware of people's intentions and the subtext that lies in 'truth'.
Time away and meeting genuinely wonderful people made me lazy and complacent.
I trusted you. Put my faith in you.
For you to only throw it back without so much a blink of an eye.

And so instead of mourning the loss of a friend, I accepted it for what it was.
A mistake in humanity.
A clashing of souls.
An example of how clever the facade can really be.

So, it is your loss without our friendship.
Because my care, love and appreciation for you WAS genuine.
And it is rare to really find that.
Good luck to you and all that you do,
I know who I am and what I stand for, which is far more then what you are worth.

Fabled Festive Fun

This time of year has always presented difficulties for me, and I feel 2012 is no exception. 

From Christmas Eves' with mum, to dinners with dad and the problems with presents in between, 

it's always been something that I have approached with a little apprehension and dread. 

So this year, when momentum bought December near, the same unease arouse. 

But why, I thought, when everything seems great? 

That's when I realised, the answer was simple. 

This time of year highlights the small, yet significant gaps we have in our lives. 

For me, a peaceful family where both my sisters are present and talking to my dad. 

For a best friend, so far away, to be near to celebrate the excitement of Christmas and a new year. 

Financially, to be in a stronger position so as to not worry about the amount of money spent. 

To have exciting plans that are inclusive of everyone with limited stress or fuss. 

And although these are seriously all very minute and very 'first world' concerns, 

they are emphasised in this 'festive funness' time. 

Posters and films, adverts and facebook tell us to celebrate and be merry. 

And I am. It's just there are some grinches in the way sometimes. 

Decisions to be made that hurt feelings and circumstances that make people cranky. 

So, I breathe and try and focus on the positives. 

Friends around me who make me laugh and whom I love. 

One of my best friends here, by my side, who I simply adore and am thankful for. 

A dad near who I will be glad to see. 

A phone call to my sisters and overseas to bridge the gap. 

But most importantly, I have hope that one day, the gaps will be small or almost non-existent. 

I will have my own circumstances and family who I can smother in affection and excitement, 

who will fulfil all those little holes that are there right now at this strange transition of life. 

That man up there

Another restless night. More tossing and turning.
I know what time of year it is and why, yet I try and find other reasons.
Stress from work.
Brain fuzz from uni.
Endometriosis that prevents me lying on my tummy.
Toilet breaks.
But all this is fruitless.
It's another year ... The pumpkins, the gardenias... The full moon tell me so.
And yet for some reason I thought it wouldn't effect me so much this time.
After all, it's 11 years. No big deal.

Yet it is.
You'd be 28 this year... I wonder where you'd be.
More weddings and babies popping up.
Our 10 year reunion and the burns boy is still drunk.
Contemplating big purchases, extended study... It's all more additions to our timeline.
Yet yours remains still ... You're etched in my brain in a newspaper dress and your beaming grin.
I wonder when the details will begin to blur.
No time soon I'm guessing.

So I'll think of you and shed some tears.
Have a drink for the friend I have lost.
And stare at that moon knowing you we're looking at it too, your final glorious moments here.
I can only hope that it bought you the same peace and comfort it brings me tonight.
Missing you and knowing you're around me sometimes...
Just watching over us in the way that you would want.

the run

21 km
3 hours for cut off time

my stomach is doing backflips.
why am I doing this again?
because you can, when there are so many other who can't.
because you want to prove to yourself that physically, you can do this.
because it is a challenge, something that really is difficult.

I know tomorrow I will get a buzz and feel fulfilled.
but right now I feel scared shitless.
scared... about a run.
scared about doing it on my own.
scared that I won't be able to finish.

why is it that something foreign implements such fear in us?
at this point, when i have shoved pasta down my throat even though I feel vomitty,
I feel like sometimes, it would be better not to do these things.
to not challenge yourself in this way that is SO scary.
to live your life 'safe' - far less emotional and turbulent.

yet in the same breath I know that this time tomorrow, I will be glad that I have felt this fear.
that the fear makes you feel alive, know you are human.
it makes you realise that you can do anything, on your own, if you want to.
i just need to remember this for the next 8 hours and get me through.

21 km
2 hours 30 minutes estimated finishing time

once in a while

When you're away, I wonder if you think about me half as much as I do you?

I feel, pathetic as it sounds, a little incomplete when you're not around.

Like something is missing.

We don't have to be doing anything - reading a book in bed, lying on the couch or cooking dinner...

but you're still here.

Then when you leave, I still want to know what's going on with you, and visibly show this.

A call, a text - some contact with you.

But you, you're different.

Away in physical space almost means away all together.

Calls are infrequent and texts much the same.

I know it doesn't mean you don't care or miss me a little.

Just maybe your thoughts are not on us... or me.

In some weird way, it shows how secure you are with us.

Why do you need to tell me you're thinking of me, I should already know that you are.

Still, it would be nice if you could just humour me once in a while, and show me.

It would make me certain, that despite your absence, you do think of me and want that connection.

Not all the time, just once in a while.